Sometimes, our feelings seem stronger, not because of what's happening in the moment, but because past wounds get triggered alongside them. I picture it like this: when a feeling like rejection comes up, it doesn't just exist on its own—it sits alongside a whole bunch of old memories of rejection. As that feeling of rejection in the present intensifies, it can bump into all those past experiences, and suddenly, everything feels bigger, louder. But the tricky part is, it can be hard to tell where the present ends and the past begins. The feeling you're having right now can feel just as intense as it did back then.
I attended a workshop with Janina Fisher on Trauma-Informed Stabilisation Treatment, and I walked away with some powerful questions that I've started to bring into my work. You might find them helpful, too, as you reflect on your own experiences:
Is this a familiar feeling for you?
What if you were to see this experience as a feeling memory?
If you hold your hands out in front of you, show me how much of this feeling is from what's happening now, and how much is from your past?
While coaching focuses on moving forward, understanding the past is a key part of how you got to where you are today. Sometimes the feelings that seem to hold you back aren’t just about the present moment; they’re echoes from the past. So, the question is: how much of what you're feeling right now is tied to what’s in front of you, and how much of it is rooted in something older?
And then there’s the question of whether that old feeling needs to be processed in therapy, or if it's something you’ve already worked through. Maybe it’s not about processing, but recognising that it’s become a pattern. Once you see that pattern, you can begin to change it. We operate in patterns, after all, and if that old feeling is triggered by a certain situation, it will keep showing up, like a circuit running in your brain.
The key is becoming aware of your patterns:
Reflect on what feelings tend to get amplified for you, is it sadness, anger, rejection, loneliness? And how do those feelings show up in your body?
Bringing awareness to your patterns when you’re feeling regulated is incredibly helpful. When you're in the middle of the feeling, it’s hard to tell if it’s coming from the past or the present. But if you can notice your patterns beforehand—like knowing that your memories of rejection are tender and can amplify the feelings of rejection in the here and now—you can create some space for yourself. You start to recognise that it’s not just about what's happening in the moment; it’s also about the layers of emotion that might be rising up from the past. And that awareness gives you the ability to pause, reflect, and respond differently, rather than just reacting to the feeling as if it’s all happening in the present.
The goal is to take care of those tender memories that get triggered, but not let them take over or control you. You can hold space for those memories, but they don’t have to be in charge of your present.
Here’s a framework you can use to bring more awareness to your emotional patterns:
Reflect Ahead of Time: Take some time to think about what feelings or themes in your life tend to be sensitive for you. What emotions or situations seem to trigger a bigger reaction than the situation might warrant? Just knowing what those are can help you when they come up.
Discernment in the Moment: When these feelings show up, try to slow down and ask yourself: Is this an appropriate reaction to what's happening right now? Am I feeling something from the past that I need to take care of? This can help you tell the difference between what's happening in the moment and what’s getting stirred up from the past.
If You’re Feeling Overwhelmed: If you notice that these feelings are flooding you and you’re struggling to figure out what’s "now" and what’s "then," I really recommend this Internal Family Systems book—it has guided exercises that can help you work with strong feelings. Or, if it feels like it’s too much to untangle on your own, maybe it’s time to reach out to a therapist for some support.
If You Feel Stuck: If you feel like you’ve done a lot of processing around past memories but still find yourself stuck in certain patterns, therapeutic coaching can be really helpful here. It's about mapping out those recurring feelings or themes that tend to trip you up, then learning strategies to integrate those emotions in the moment. The memories will still be there, of course—it’s not like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind—but it’s about learning how to hold those emotions without letting them take over your present.
With time and awareness, you can start to navigate these emotional patterns more intentionally, and give yourself the space to respond rather than react.
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